Status: Away Forever

How I'm Feeling: Blindness by Metric

Away message:
I've decided to unplug from the Matrix. The Matrix being the social grid of expectations, social conventions, and outdated models of thinking that are held in place by our constant presence in each other's lives. As a part of my sabatical, which will hopefully lead to some sort of transformative epiphany, I will be actively avoiding all telecommunications directed my way.

Sometimes you just need to get out of the fishbowl. Only these days instead of meaning getting out of a small town, this can mean getting out of the sphere of thoughts we're immersed in every day. Our minds are kept on a tight leash. Our train of thought is tethered to our newsfeeds on twitter and facebook, and we're on call to the whole world 24/7 by phone, text, email, and a growing number of social websites and apps. This is especially alarming when you learn how people are more easily controlled in groups because of groupthink.

Groupthink is most simply described as the peer pressure to conform to a group's ideals. When people form a bond, it is always within a context. People form bonds over commonly held ideas, and then those ideas bond them only as long as they are not called into question. For if they are called into question, the community founded on the ideas will come into question as well and that sense of belonging will be lost and the community will unravel. So all too often we are unwilling to call those ideas into question, and instead allow them to continue to guide our thoughts and actions.

Have you ever forgotten what you were talking about after walking from one room to another, and remember it only when you walk back to the room you first had the thought? This shows just how influenced we are by our surroundings. But much more significant than our inanimate surroundings is who is present. Then, whatever you think they think is acceptable behavior (for you, specifically) subconsciously pressures you to fall within those limits. Known of in psychology as behavioral confirmation, this is a type of self-fulfilling prophecy where social expectations lead people to act in ways that cause others to confirm the expectation. In fact, a gathering is basically a product of it's setting, who is there, what they think of each other, and their common interest or reason for gathering. And as I mentioned before, the common bond will almost always go unquestioned, even if everyone secretly questions it. (This unfortunately makes it extremely difficult to question ideas that a whole country, or whole civilization was founded on, such as individualism or money.)

Someone once described a time a man held a door open for her when she was just walking past, so she walked through the door and down the hall just to be polite, even though she actually needed to go a different way. I think this situation is a great representation of groupthink. Especially in terms of my own relationships with friends and family. People think I was raised very well, I say please and thank you, I'm well spoken, and overall I'm quite polite. But isn't this politeness what made her walk through that door? Being polite isn't all it's cracked up to be. What it really means is I was raised to be obedient. Which means every invitation and every expectation becomes that door, and all I'm ever doing is walking down whatever hall I'm expected to walk down. Yet, this allows very little room for questioning what we do, or why we do it, because we're always kept busy, politely going through doors and down halls. Also, it's such a boring way to live it can actually feel like you're trapped in a virtual world, which is why The Matrix resonated with me so strongly as a kid.

But after learning about the nature of our group psychology, I have become increasingly aware of the ways it plays into every relationship and every conversation. It's as if each combination of people is a different stage for a different play, and the group agenda is a script that continues to play out from where it left off whenever that same combination of people is brought together in the same context. And the most frustrating thing is how weak I am at changing that script.

Growing up, we inherit a lot of baggage from the world through our family, culture, public schooling, and media. A lot that deserves to be questioned, considering the current way of thinking and doing has us on the path to extinction. So I'm really trying to detox my mind from all these influences, right now. I want to be able to go days on end, free from being sucked back into any old conversations. Days on end to meditate on the present and process the past without any expectations of me to make any plans or decisions for the future. I don't want to be consistently drawn into the day to day rapid-fire expectations of answering everyone's calls, attending everyone's birthday's, choosing which group of people to be with for each holiday, and remembering to write everyone thank you cards. I need a break from all the expectations - I'm not meeting them anyways. After all, these pointless social conventions and attachments that keep us caught up in groupthink are exactly what's keeping us running in circles, distracted from the task at hand, and keeping us from coming to the realization that we must change absolutely everything if we're going to stop working for this hypnotizing military-political-pharmacuetical-agricultural-industrial complex and do what we have to do to bring this world into the light before we're lulled back to sleep by a technological dark ages(video).

My vision for myself right now is a simple one. Meditate a lot. Try to do yoga everyday. Keep finding food by dumpstering and groundscoring while learning more about foraging and getting more and more food from foraging and gardening. Learn to love myself. Hitchhike around. Handwash my laundary. Laugh more, and get into a good enough headspace that I always feel like dancing. Write songs and poems and sing them on the street. Learn to take care of my own health without pharmaceuticals and surgery. Walk everywhere with everything on my back because I never know where I'm going to lay my head the next day. Try to figure out how to do everything without money. And help build the underground railroad that can make a moneyless world more accessible.

But the truth is, I've been doing everything but that. I am too attached to all the people in my life. I'm too attached to the roles we've defined for each other before I began to wake up from this groupthink reality, so that being around those same people seems to magically draw me back into old patterns of thinking, and old social roles and habits. Just as a man who forgets his native toungue because he only spoke it very young might suddenly become quite fluent on a trip back to his old country.

Tuning into Anonymous, you learn that Anonymous has many faces. You learn that everyone has some pieces to the puzzle, yet no one has them all. No one can be blindly followed or believed no matter how good their intentions. Everyone has an equal voice and it hurts everyone when any one of our voices is silenced. In this sea of chaos, overloaded with information, we can only trust what we know to be true in our hearts, and do what we feel to be right. We must learn to lead ourselves, educate ourselves, and allow only our own interpretation of our observations lead us. In this pursuit, we must utilize every word, every thought, every coincidence as a chance to gain some insight into something. We don't discount or accept anything in it's entierity, taking only what we can use from what we see and understand, and leaving the rest. In doing this I've found some powerful suggestions from every religion, every crazy person I talk to or overhear, every coincidence between what I'm thinking and what is going on around me. And one place I've gained some insight about groupthink is looking into the Alcoholics Anonymous branch of Anonymous. In the difficult journey to overcoming addiction, they say "principles before personalities" - reminding people that it's better to choose your company based on those with the same principles rather than getting attached to people's personalities and continuously getting sucked back into old habits. They also suggest staying single until you've been sober for a year, to keep your head clear. Well I feel like I have an addiction. I've gone years before without using money. I've gone years without foodstamps. But now I've been rewarded both, and offered even more, and I'm not even spending it wisely. Having found ways to do everything without money, it seems almost worthless, so I end up spending it however the people around me want to spend it. In their value system I'm being kind, but I've undeniably been sucked back into old habits. If they were of the same principles as me, we would encourage each other to burn it, or save it to spend super wisely on something that helps permanently decrease our dependence on money.

Unfortunately, it seems leaving behind all my old programmed ideas means leaving behind all the people who tie me to those ideas. And even if those people have gotten over the ideas themselves, their presence is hypnotizing me back into those old ideas anyways, because that's how my mind works, and perhaps I'm having the same affect on them, too. I'm sure it's a similarly traumatic process as escaping captivity in North Korea, leaving your family to find out what lies outside the mind prison. But as long as I keep coming back, too reluctant to leave the people I love, and too afraid to go do what needs doing, I am allowing my mind to be drawn back in over and over. And every time I feel like I'm at risk of giving in and accepting it as reality again. I got dangerously close, last time. So I'm really going to leave everything behind for a little while. This way I think I'll finally be more able to focus on getting my mind grounded again, and get some projects rolling that I keep never getting to. I'll stop lamenting about how divided my friends and lovers are, and I'll just focus on what needs to be done. I'll stop holding onto the constant guilt of not being of more help to those I know who are down and out, injured, addicted, depressed, ignorant, lost... I'll stop spending so much psychic energy trying to hold onto tenuous connections and the cognitive tension of trying to connect despite our differing worldviews and inversed relations with reality. I'll finally get in touch with myself.

This is also an exit from the drama of our individual identities according to old world values. I've seen too much infighting, too many disputes over petty social shit, too many distractions. People seem easily divided over nothing when we're supposed to be united as one, divided by ZERO. People fall in love and communities are torn apart by jealousy. One misunderstanding, and people worry about their reputation catching up to them and escape back indoors. People try to guilt each other into staying together instead of encouraging each other to go and do whatever makes us come alive and helps us transition to the new world. So I'm no longer interested in petty drama, and obligatory relations based on past significance. I want to work on changing this world, and I want real comrades, not "lovers" or "friends". Encouragment, empowerment, enthusiasm, risk-taking, and new ideas, not discouragement, guilt, paranoia, victimization, savior complexes, pleasure-seeking, or even comfort-seeking.

Striking out, I won't be all alone, of course. There are always strangers along the way. Which is especially great, because it seems the groupthink of two homeless strangers coming together is exactly the groupthink everyone should strive for. We are humble, with nothing to show. Pragmatic, grateful, forgiving, all complete with revolutionary undertones. Not everyone, of course, but most. It's a perspective where you have a visceral understanding of how messed up the system is, and your only purpose is to survive and help your fellow man survive despite it all because what goes around comes around.

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Truth can be hard to get across to people. You might be too nervous to say what you're thinking, or you do say it but it's not well received, either misinterpretted or forgotten. What you've come up against is a wall of cognitive dissonance. To be sure these truths aren't conveniently lost in a fog of selective forgetfulness, I've started to record them here.

I will no longer let others rewrite my personal truth for me.

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